Loner, but not really

First off, I contradict myself a lot. Mainly in these kinds of topics. Just ask for clearance as I will give it. Bare with me as this is going to be a long one. (I think) I want to start off talking a bit about myself I'm the kind of person who wants to be nice to everyone. I'm heavily influenced by other people's opinions, and I'm influenced by principle. When I hear an opinion of someone about, say global warming, I will not accept any opinion that defies it (unless you have hard proof (which won't be in the near 50 years lol (and no weird conspiracy theories lol))). Because it's there. I love discussing things (EVERYTHING), and love speaking my mind, I think about everything. A LOT. I love thinking. I hate fighting, I'll do anything to avoid fighting (unless you and I are in a discussion, and you are losing the discussion, and you won't FUCKIN' CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT SOMETHING I HAVE HARD PROOF OF). I suck at discussing though, I can never explain myself with words. My thoughts can't be put into words, and my vocabulary is far too short, probably, too. I'll often use words I can't back out of. I'll often say things that have little or nothing to do with proving the argument or disproving the argument. I can't explain myself unless I tell the whole story, and that doesn't just go for discussions. If I want to explain something, you'll either get the short, medium or long version. The short and medium version will most likely leave some questions. They are usually very straight forward. With the long version, I will explain my full thought process and reasoning behind why I think something. Furthermore, I'm very open to changing my mind. I might've already said this, but PLEASE CHANGE MY MIND. I will often have the wrong idea of things, and I want to change that. Okay, now for the next part. I'm a loner, however, not really. I have many people I can converse with. I have many people that want to converse with me, serious or not. I have a shit load of friends. More than I'd like to admit. The reason I call myself a loner, is because I don't belong anywhere. I have many separate friends. I'm friends with everyone but- Wait, let me start over. You know, how there's like many friend groups in high school, right? In my year, I have a couple of friend groups that I'm "in". I want to belong to every friend group, but you can't. Every friend group is there because they have similar people in them. The max is 2, and even then, you're stretching it. I like to think of myself as a cool person, being nice to everyone around me, liking everything, being chill about everything, trying to be the best version of myself I can. I talk with some of the most popular people in school. I talk with some of the most nerdy people in school. I talk with the bad boys, the only group I don't really talk with is those girls that literally only care about their appearance, and have like 10 IQ (no offense if you're one of those people, you generally dislike me, I generally dislike you, if you end up being chill in person then you're cool but you're usually not). Not that that matters, the point I'm trying to make is that half my school knows me, and has probably conversed with me. Most people I know don't have the same thing. By knows, I mean not just see their face every once in a while, but actually conversed with me (multiple times at least). Back on topic. I don't belong anywhere, I am a nerdy, popular, cool, chill, competitive, active and lazy person. My personality changes once I'm in someone's proximity. I can't find myself, and I think this makes me who I am. I am lost, I'm trying to find who I really am, I FUCKING HATE NURTURE. I FUCKING LOVE NATURE. I WANT TO BE WHO I AM, NOT WHO I AM BEING MADE TO BE. Writing this made me realize a lot of things. I will edit this a bit for formatting and maybe add a thing here and there. Talk to me, I won't bite. edit1 (no format edit): Gotta say, a lot of people will relate to this. I think. A lot of people change depending on the people they're with, I think I'm just an extremified version of that. edit2: The reason I posted this: "Btw yaasshat is one of the better names I've seen lmao. And I agree there is a natural bit of change, but it cant become so extreme that one or the other loses their uniqueness. To me that's more like one selfishly absorbing the other". This was written in the post men VS women, and I can relate too much to this. I've written a bit about myself there too. I was far too attached to her in my relationship. My mother told me changing too much for a person will make you too attached, and it can leave you heartbroken for twice the amount of time you were with that person. edit3: What I'm looking for is an answer, to the question I haven't asked (and don't know of)

^ Summed up in one meme https://cdn.dopl3r.com/memes_files/when-you-have-social-anxiety-but-dont-want-to-feel-left-out-sQzMA.jpg

I'm the opposite of social anxiety, please don't post memes here. (i want to talk seriously) edit: sorry for being boring

Haha sorry, was just trying to lighten the mood a bit. All you gotta do is stay strong. I can relate to most of what you said and I understand what you're going through my dude. And just because you THINK you don't belong somewhere doesn't mean you don't. Some things are harder to find than others. You shouldn't let someone elses opinion affect you.

That's the thing, I kind of want them to, yet I hate nurture. I want to learn so many things, see many things, experience many things, but because of it I overvalue the opinion, usually the opinion I heard last I find to be the most true.

Be more assertive towards what you believe in and stick with it, find the most relative thing you can to it and just don't let go. Hopefully I'm making sense. You're relying on outside influence, that's really not a healthy way of doing things. As far as the whole change your mind thing goes, it's probably best if you stick with what you know. If you're wrong about something ask them to correct you, then learn from those mistakes. (ps. I'm really bad with words myself so hopefully I got my message across :/)

What if I told you that thing is friendship >_< edit: you almost gave me the answer. I started thinking about it, and then I realized this ("this" being the above) . It's not like I didn't have family when I was younger, and they were often there for me, we always had a "sorta" good time. But my father's emotions are, very, very difficult to read. He can be very harsh. I never really had a fun time. With all of these friends, I think I can make up for that. And I am! It seems like an endless cycle, but I don't think it is. I just need to find where it stops.

I will think about what you said more. I'm going to bed for tonight, kinda tired. It might not be what I think it is :) edit: maybe i'm just overthinking all of this.

I can understand the part where you feel like you do not belong, yet you're a part of many groups. When I was in high school, I too was pretty much a part in most groups. Honestly speaking, you're still young. What is happening is that you're trying to find a group that you wish to carry on for many years to come. So you become a part of most groups unconsciously. Once you graduate, you'll find people in University/college or a career path, where you'll spend most of your time with. Don't worry,you'll find a place where you belong.