This is nothing particular, sometimes I like to write to translate what I feel.
Anyway here we go...
<< Tired of seeing the same things, everydays, even if they change, they still to remain to be the same things over and over again.
More than a vicious circle, it's a disguisting one, it's just a feeling of disgust.. With what you are with, the world and anything that is not you, but still including you.
I probably didn't clean myself since.. I don't remember when it was the last time.
I probably forgot too, and forgot how to clean anyway, inside.
Astonishing myself won't be easy, not like if it was the peaceful times I had..
The serenity left me.
I wonder who is talking to myself, sometimes.
Or speaking alone, while being semiconscious of what I'm saying.
I just know I say something, but I don't listen or even see it, I just let it out.
They come, and they leave...
You can draw your life and compare with yours, but if you mess up by drawing it by first, you need to work a lot harder to make it pretty nice.
In fact you just need to draw yourself something that have more impact than it messed up, to make it look better.
You can always remember that you can always rearrange what you messed up if you're still alive for it.
But there is times, where you feel empty, or anything that make you realize that you can't see what you should do for fixing it, when it doesn't look beautiful for yourself.
Still, I'm not blind to see that I shouldn't trust myself blindly and say it's not a problem or say I can't do better.
So I keep be demanding towards me and others.
Maybe being atrophied isn't that bad, anyway, it just helps and force ourselves to be stronger. But who wanted that?
Who wanted to fight to be stronger? And for what?
I don't know.
I don't want to fight anymore.
I just want, the peace with myself, and forgive myself.
To not close fist when I'm angry with myself, when I feel my stomach and veins burning.
To not go over my limits of what I could feel, if I've really any limits.
But I would imagine always, even by a little, surpassing them...
That's why I'm exhausted.
I'm growing, slowly, by surpassing myself.
And it's tiring.
Things, take meanings later, even if you're undergoing from them.
But don't wait for them to get meanings, and don't hope for a better grass later.
Working and liking your current grass is better, to make it change, and even if it doesn't change, you can still change, to like your grass.
You don't need hopes for better world, because there is only one world, and it might be worse if it actually changed. You don't need either to tell yourself that you're unlucky, it will prevent you from being happy.
But you can always use your imagination to create yourself a bubble that protects you against what you want, even if the link of the world and you is absurdly direct. >>