Body Issues WARNING maybe triggering for some

I just, well I went through a lot of depressions like this when I was younger. Mostly because I had a kinda blunt stepmother. She didn't well... Like my hair, my skin tone, my body, anything physical about me so she would keep telling me that when I was young. I thought I was ugly, like real ugly. That mixed with the whole puberty stuff and that it was just in the age where I think I fell in love for the first and last time in my life... Then I was rejected for another girl, I thought it was my fault. I would look at the mirror, completely naked and just hate the way I looked. I would take showers and look down and only see an ugly human body. I'd wash my hair and hate my curls... So I reached a point that I didn't care for myself, how I looked. This was to the point I even had to face betrayal from the people I trusted because they wouldn't handle me and my demons. I had no support, my grandmother, the only one that really worried was pretty far away from me. I would just go home without no motivation to study, to eat, to anything. I'd cry myself to sleep and this was just partly because of my self-esteem issues, but they indeed played a big role during those times. I think my faith was what saved me. I was this girl being mentally abused all the time, sometimes even physically, I was still forgiving... Kinda like a Cinderella story haha. I ended up getting myself focused on how I would get out of that place, on how I should just wrap my feelings and hide them inside because I realized nobody really cared, nobody really loved me and I just had to start loving myself. So, I found my motivation, a hell of a petty motivation that was running away to the place I knew I was going to be loved. I grew up and miraculously, made good friends by being the loner fucking bitch I became. I wouldn't care and I would do everything so perfectly because people then started to see me as some kind of perfect human being that didn't even had to try to get perfect scores, to not be touched by anything or anyone, I would just call on attention and all that self-esteem issues were the ones to make me turn into some kind of emotionless human being. I created walls around me, so big and so thick, yet transparent so people would see me but not touch, never get near. I think, after I decided to do exercise and got myself really skinny because I too hated the fact I had a big butt so guys would just look at me because of that, I got myself changed in both ways in the end. I started liking myself more once I got skinnier... I never really accepted how I looked so I just changed myself, of course I then knew that I had people that loved me that worried about me and that was great. Until now, I can't say I fully love myself, sometimes I look at the mirror and admire my beauty, a beauty I created by my own but in reality, that's not me anymore. I stopped going to the beach because I hate the fact it darkens my skin, I stopped having my hair naturally for anyone to look at it and most of all, now I can't even go out without wearing make up (even if it's just a little bit like rimel or just blush). I think that this isn't going to stop until I just accept that I can't be the perfection I'm going to try and impose on myself. This means, I started being so selfish, so self-centered, that somehow I forgot about what people think and now, I am destroying myself with my own beauty goals. To be honest, I think this is better than letting someone else define me but still is not good enough. They all can think I'm this perfect girl nobody is willing to really love, to really know, to really care about because she can hold herself alone... Yet the truth is that somehow, a small part of me still believes that we, humans, are not meant to be alone, that we are meant to find that someone we will actually care about, care about what they think of us and that they will love us for who we are, entirely. To finish this, I think that to be 100% fine with who we are, all we need is, as cheesy and disgusting as it sounds, love.

@ed Wow, that was an intense story. I can really relate to the short part of it. The shortest guys often have a much higher risk of suicide. It's too hard to deal with if you don't fight back like I did.

I have very sensitive skin.... which can be a good thing since it's very soft but I burn in the sun like crazy and after being a midget in middle school (like 1,45m) puberty happened. I grew to my proud 1,78m my boobs went from non-existent to well, boobs and that's when I got some stretchmarks. Not many but I hated them with a passion when I was younger and they were red. Now they are a shimmering white so I think they look freaking cool. I also used to have many freckles as a kid which I had a problem with for some reason. I literally bleached my skin to get rid of them. I also hate my hands. Not because I don't like the way they look but because they're very small. My brother has like perfect pianist hands so I always envied him for that. Also I'm short-sighted.

This thread is interesting because no matter how beautiful a person looks on the outside, everyone has problems with their own body.