The Daily Diary

I don't know how active it is now, but there were several petitions from people trying to get them to push forward with it.

so i missed a day, but i guess not a lot has been going on lately i'm having an inspirational/emotional relapse partly in due to all the anime expectations i have (vs "real life") and still getting over the ending to Your Lie In April :( ... the #$%^ing feels idk, i have a bad feeling about the future all of a sudden...sad diary day

lots of stuff, none i really want to talk about today...but my health is still bouncing around, but probably back to a better place my bad habits, while still existent, seem to be backing down although my interest in anything outside of anime/manga/ect remains...i feel creative i'd say this week is definitely shaping out to be worse than last week but it has a few good points; although i watched " School Days " yesterday, complete season marathon ... god, i absolutely hated every single one of the characters by the end of it, i mean, i only moderately disliked kono, and that's saying a lot, probably the only person i liked from that manga genuinely was kono's little sister i'm so glad that *redacted* got *redacted* mother #$%^ *redacted* *redacted* by the *redacted* - - - anywhooo ... i don't know diary i feel like i've let you down since i started you but i guess i'll keep trying, i'm just a hot mess, worried about my health a lot lately, like last year you know i'm prepared to die young, i just wish it was consistent, almost wish someone would say "you have cancer, only 3 years left" ... at least i'd have a natural stimulant to not be like i am...*sighs* :'( kaori

it's been a fast day, with some good things, and some annoying things been making home cooked meals all day, taste pretty decent aside from the usual anime/manga/video games; i've taken up exercising although i have been trying to teach myself piano and violin, i've hit a snag, financially being that i'm not enrolled in public education (graduated) and aren't in college ... private music classes are pretty much out of the question but!! i'm still passionate, and hoping to pull myself around this month, no matter how bad my health becomes or if my medication stops working, i'll keep going!! FOR KAORI!!

Lately I've been thinking about the old times. Like the times when i was happy, i've been in this rut of depression for so long, I get nothing but bad news. If it's not finding out one of my friends died in combat or getting yelled at by people who hate hate gays, because im BI, or looking in the mirror and hate seeing what I see. Sometimes I wounder what I'm still doing here. I have no family, my friends are either dead or still in combat. I just wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to do some of the things I've done. I just wounder how much longer I can take it all. I wish i could be back out with my friends, watching each others backs, making sure we all got home safe, there or here, before and after. The alcohol doesn't help anymore, the smokes don't calm me down like once before. I hate to close my eyes and see the faces before i pulled the trigger, the faces of old friends i can't see anymore. All i had was the memories but those seem to be fading now. I look and see all my old scars and remember the pain of once i got them and the pain they still have to this day. I feel that this all just might mean my time is close to an end. I wounder how I'm going out, I'm not scared of death, I'm just tired of waiting for it. I'm scared to find out in the end all of my time was for nothing, it was just a waste of a life. I just wish it would come soon so i know that i did something right in my life, even if it just means that i only helped one person, even if its the smallest thing, making someone smile, or just making them laugh, just one small thing will make it up for everything else. All I just want to know, was it all for nothing or for something i can't see yet, or something I can't see till the end, or won't see at all. God I'm on my last smoke and last drop of alcohol. I just hope I did good once in my life, just once....