Sudden existential depression moments

To be honest, I am like this a lot... I always feel like I'm just not worth anything that I should just lock myself away from the outide world.. But these feelings last for about a day and I just feel so depressed and alone :c I always try to push it down and keep it hidden since most of my friends need me for when they are in trouble. That's pretty much what sets it off I guess. I'm always there for my friends and I'll help them with problems but I wouldn't go to them about my problems or tell them how I really feel. So it just builds up and up as time goes by. I don't want to put my troubles on other people when they have their own to deal with. Everyone needs someone who they can go to talk about about things. I'm that person for almost everyone. I just want to be there for them but its starting to effect me more and more as time goes by. I don't know what I should do about it..

This year has been very rough on me mentally, i started college this year and nothing went the way I wanted. The classes were too hard to understand for me so i quickly got behind in class which resulted in alot of fail examns and the fear of letting down my parents was very painfull to deal with. Also because i went for an college which was quite far away from my high school i didn't had many friends but i did had my best friend to rely on but that slowly became an bother for me to rely on him so much i didnt wanted to bother him with my problems. After i failed my exams i dropped a few subjects and went searching for work wich was extremly hard i only found a job last week after searching for months. What i'm trying to say is that the feeling of failing in life and dissapointting peoples exptactions of me was quite hard to deal with i even though of just quitting this life but around that period i watched an anime called Death Parade and that anime really opened my eyes about how stupid i was and that i needed to man up once more. I know for some people the cause of my depression seems not so bad but for me it was the hardest period of my life. for some reason i feel quite relieved writing out my thoughs on this.

This sort of depression happens to me in a way that "What is my worth? Im happy, Cheery, and confident. But no one really looks my direction. I don't feel anything when we talk or communicate." Of course this falls in line with looking for love. It can affect in many ways. Often times you have to find the things that makes living life worth it. For example: You don't know how many people actually look to you. You may think no one does but they do. You simply passing by on the street is an importance to life. Because what if you weren't there? People say the smallest things in conversation and it just bings. I had a conversation not regarding to relationships at all. Being funny and everything and someone else will randomly come along and say "Yea we just got together. It just happened. It was so weird!" Which tells me this is possible in a relationship to happen. The smallest things can change a mindset of a person. This is the power of life.

Yah, I'm legitimately bipolar and I get this way really hard sometimes. For me it's kind of weird though, when I was like 17 and first learned I had bipolar, I think it was worse than it is now. I started really shutting myself in a lot, didn't talk to my friends, dropped out of college 2 years later and then stole my dad's credit card and took a Greyhound bus to New York. The funny thing is, even though doing all that made me miserable, I think it's also what's helped me out a lot today. 'Cause I realized that I can either be miserable and safe with a job and an apartment, or miserable and living out on the street :P I have found ways to cope though, after years of crappy medication. It's all about your outlook, really. I oftentimes will be doing something and enjoying myself and then suddenly these thoughts invade my head like "what are you doing? Shouldn't you be doing something with yourself? But even if you did, what would be the point? Everything's temporary, right?" It's pretty awful, sometimes I just have to lay down and stare at a ceiling for a bit to collect my thouts. This is all coming from a 22 year old guy living on his own with a full time job btw, so trust me, you're not the only one and there are ways to handle this lol. The best way I've found is just to realize that in the past, time has ALWAYS fixed things. Sometimes it takes a long time, but as long as I wait it out and at least try to put a smile on every day, eventually it'll pay off. I have to keep believing that, and that keeps me going. z Anyway, yah, your post resonated with me and I just vomited out this comment that's probably incoherent and awful. But I hope you find your own way to cope, there's no one trick for everyone. A teacher I was close to in highschool told me if you can't take it day by day, take it hour by hour. If you can't do that, minute by minute. If not that, second by second. Whatever you have to do to keep going.