Pokemon Horror

So, I had to write a Horror story for my Short Stories class, and this is what I ended up with. Everyone that has read it has said it's really good, but I hate to that I'm getting the feeling no one has taken it seriously. Would someone mind reading and rating/criticising it for me?

“Ghosts of Pokemon Past” How many of us have said it? How many can say that without thinking about it, living in a video game would be wonderful? It’s something at least considered by those who play them even semi-regularly. What if those characters whose lives we’ve decided for had a voice? What if they had hearts, souls, even dreams? No, that couldn’t be, could it? What if, they learned to fight back? Even from the time I was a child, the Pokemon game series was a favorite of mine. I had played hour upon hour, staring at that tiny screen, loving it pixel for pixel. I had (like many) come to affectionately refer to the main character as Blue, since it was the game’s default. Yet, even after the countless hours of joy it brought playing the game, I slowly began to draw away from it. Its importance sank into the crevices of my mind, forgotten and stealthily hidden away as I had gotten older. Even I, one who used to play the game like I was mad, from the sun’s first rays till the midnight moon was high in the sky came to make fun of it. After all, it was a childish thing, wasn’t it?

It took many years before I so much as saw the game cartridge again, and even then, it was pure coincidence that I happened to find it just minutes after I found my old Gameboy. In fact, it was incredible chance it caught my eye at all, buried underneath years of build-up in my closet. Dusting them both off, I could have sworn I heard a groan come from the cartridge. Sure, it freaked my out a little, but being older, and more sensible, I just assumed I was hearing things. Taking the Gameboy downstairs, I sat down on the couch and started the game up. When I got to the start up screen, I was almost tempted to shut it off right then and there. My file was gone! All of that work I did when I was younger, all the badges, the Pokemon, everything was gone. The only option was a new game.

It took me a minute to come back to my senses and realize it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. At the least, it would be far more nostalgic to replay the game from the beginning, right? I started the game, and was greeted with a familiar tutorial. I quickly sped through the Pokemon Professor’s explanations, and finally got to name my character. Strange, the name Blue wasn’t in the list of suggested names. No matter, I could always just type it in. I typed the name out on the screen, and when I attempted to click “Start” I was prompted with a dialogue box, the kind that showed up when you spoke to someone in the game. The name displayed as speaking, was Blue. It read “BLUE: You can’t do that.”

I was baffled. Quickly erasing what was written, I wrote in my own name, and this time was allowed to proceed. Again, extreme confusion came over me. The pixilated character I was expecting wasn’t there. My character was different. It….. it looked like it was supposed to be me. My heart was beating faster and faster at this point. Still, I felt like I couldn’t put the game down now, at the least I had to figure out what was going on. I had my character head out of the house you start at, and go receive his first pokemon. When I tried to speak to the professor, and old man, about what Pokemon I wanted, I got another strange message instead. “OAK: Do you really think I’d let you have anything after what you did to him? Do it yourself.” I was then prompted by another screen saying I received 5 Pokeballs. How was I supposed to catch a Pokemon without one to weaken it first?

Confused, my anxiety building, I headed to the patches of grass where I knew Pokemon appeared. Heading just two or three steps in, the music and screen change indicating I had ran into a Pokemon occurred. Now I could get a better look of the avatar of my character. It really did look like me! Instead of the avatar disappearing and sending out a Pokemon like normal, it just stayed there though. I was certainly nervous now, since I knew if I pressed the attack option, or somehow the Pokemon attacked my game would likely glitch and crash. Clicking on items, and then Pokeball, I watched my avatar throw one at the Pokemon that had appeared. Amazingly enough, I caught it! Normally it took weakening the Pokemon, but I guess I got lucky huh? When the battle screen departed, I nearly shrieked as I saw another character standing a few paces away in the game. Now I knew even with everything else that had happened in the game, that was impossible! They had fixed courses, a character couldn’t just appear!

To my horror, I quickly recognized the character quickly as what is supposed to be the regular character. It was Blue! I felt my consciousness fading, and as I struggled to limp to the bathroom to splash some water in my face, I saw how pale I had become when I looked in the mirror. Looking down at the game, there was a message waiting for me. “BLUE: Why? Why did you abandon me? Everything that happened was your fault. You let me die, you and you alone.” It took me some time to scroll through and read it, seeing as how small the message boxes were. By the end of it, I felt my strength completely gone. The last my parents heard of me conscious was my screaming like a madman. I never did come out of that coma. And of course, the police and doctors could never understand what happened. After all, they never read Blue’s last message. “BLUE: And now, you’ll die, and stay with me forever.”

It was a good story i enjoyed it but there are 2 issues that i see one u relate to only ppl who got the blue version and not the red version where your character was called Red i for one chose to make my own name i probly would have made it more personal to myself then trying to make it personal for other people the second issue is the ending "I never did come out of that coma" then how did u write the story? lol i would have wrote the paper as if telling someone else's tale so it makes sense but thats just my opinion

As a horror story it doesn't really work for me. As I don't really sense the fear in your words more of a long explanation of why your scared.take for example the part were you write "It took me some time to scroll through and read it, seeing as how small the message boxes were" was not really needed as it cut away from the suspense leading up to the climax.

Ash woke up in a white room whilst being restrained by Brock as Misty injects more drugs into him to calm him enough to dream of a world with creatures called Pokemon. Concerned of his current state Misty warns Professor Oak that the treatment costs too much and insists on euthanising Ash as his last family member died of suicide after he was sent out by to go on adventure to fulfil his delusions. Professor calls for Gary and commands him to play along with Ash and his delusions, ignoring the dangers he had proceeded to do so anyway. The Professor then sat as the Misty and Gary left the room, a long relieving sigh then drinking scotch as the condensation drips onto his fingers he kept on chugging as an attempt to forget the fact that he encouraged Ash and gave him a yellow stuffed animal after a while he was given a letter from the mother of Ash explaining the suicide, within the content it had mentioned the Professor as the main factor that the mother struggled with caring for a mentally ill son and every man she brought home was not good enough in her sons view. Giving up all hope she then went to her sons' bedroom to hang herself as a birthday gift. I got bored