JackTechno

It's not a bad start. It does feel rushed. And the reasons for this are pretty normal among writers. I can see you feel impassioned by this to some extent but before you thrust us into this story, you'll want to show us these characters as you see them. Not full on descriptions of their looks but help us understand each character's personality. You also need to take more time and carefully describe settings. Sights, sounds, sensations, smells... things like this. If everything is an "action" readers can very easily get lost in the commotion. There is a lot of change happening in just a few pages worth of text. Also, try and work the "pace" of scenes. When something seems important or emotional, try slowing things down. When things happen in a flash, describe how so. Take the time to present your vision to your audience and captivate us in this world. While it's obvious only Naruto fans would probably read this, make it easy enough to understand that it's like they're being introduced to the world for the first time. Now that's all just about your writing and it's okay to experiment and develop your own style. When it comes to the story itself, it's not bad. I'd like to see more about each character individually. I'd like to know what each person's impact is and why I should care about them. It's apparent you're building up to something interesting so make sure the things you're telling us about are important and impacting, and of course, interesting. For dialogue, try and make it seem natural. Not like they're acting, but something you'd say in that situation in reality. Overall though, it isn't bad and it sounds like you could turn it into an interesting story. You have a decent foundation in English with good vocabulary so no worries there. Spend some more time and flush out this story and the characters in it. Make it "legen-, wait for it.... DARY!" (lol)

I dunno what's going on but my other messages with diff people work. How weird. I'd love to read your story and help you out ^w^

My favorite AKFG songs would definitely be Rewrite, Loop and Loop, Haruka Kanata, Re:re.... Uh, I like all of AKFG T_T I might go dive into the forums for other good songs now. *splash*

Yeah, that was fun. I've got Asian Kung Fu Generation playing on the new speakers. http://www.fye.com/s/product/3919645/. I'm going to throw Air and a few others we saw on my list also.