Sunbae

How am i creepy! I had been saying normal stuff!!! :O !! Whatttt! And no im not lolicon! Ur crazy xD u need some sleepppp!!! I act mature!! Geezzzzz lol

A total creep me!? :O a lolicon?! Nah bruh! Ouch my kokoro and my pride ! XD its been hurt and tarnished!!! *runs away sobbing dramatically!!!*

Haha ur something! :) yeah ur senpai now because ur old and u call me underage! And u tutor me! Sensei ... Hmmm yeah i can call u that if u like that better?

It's really good! :D I'm not a fan of Korean cinema (except Park Chan Wook because he is GOD), but I liked this one. :) And I'm behaving from now until the forseeable future. :) Although, it was relaxing and made me get more pensive, maybe?

I'm a couple days late, but I'll be back later. :) In the meantime, you might want to consider watching this. I'm giving it the tagline, "A zombie film with a heart." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyWuHv2-Abk

Well I'm really bubbly and positive my family and the people around me loves that! I am caring , always understanding people being there for them :) putting myself in their shoes :D I'm a clown haha my class gives me lots of giggles! Wbu? What are few of ur many great characteristics?! Anddddd wowwwww u must be so smartttt yayyy can u be like my Asian buddy? Having brothers is awesome! I bet ur sisters are proud of u and glad to have you! You seem so responsible, sweet and kind hehe and nopeeee I only start school on Wednesday hehe! So my tutoring with you doesn't start just yet! Oh yeah how have u been!? And what have u been up to? Sorry I was gone for a while!

~Reuniting with my dear, Schokolade~ There aren't many feelings out there that outmatch the feeling of chambering a bullet from a full mag by releasing the slide. Ahh man, why are my nails and hands so large? http://i.imgur.com/vbwMcDD.gif Anyways, there have been a lot of thoughts that have been running through my head for the past few weeks, well honestly, this entire summer was a ride. I've been questioning myself a lot this year and every time I do it, I feel less lost if that makes sense. But I feel a little lonelier than before, even though I feel less lost. Which is weird because the number of friends I have definitely increased. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm living alone now. Well, one of my ways of coping to anything is to go down to a range and shoot at some targets. I go into an autopilot mode when I do this and I don't really focus on my shots. My mind goes somewhere else and I start feeling hmm... a little sad, a little happy, a little desolated and a little hopeful too. I more or less feel pensive and I start thinking. It's actually really comforting and therapeutic. Wait, here's a gif! (Oh god what did the barber do the back of my head. I thought I asked him to leave 2cm >.< oh well, it will grow back). http://i.imgur.com/OJjTLGZ.gif This was around 15m away Well, I'll try this way of coping as well, since it seemed to work for a friend of mine today. Maybe writing it out is a little better. It's a little awkward, but I feel a little more comfortable holding a gun than I do a pen (or in this case a keyboard). If I posted this on my Facebook, I'm sure people would freak out and think that I was suicidal or something. By the way, if I'm dead and there's a letter saying I committed suicide, notify the criminal investigation team because I was murdered and they need to find the culprit fast. But anyways, I do a decent amount of self reflection when I'm there at the range. It sounds weird, I know. Feeling a little comfortable at a place with loud sudden bangs and weapons, but everyone has their own little strange qualities, like I have mine. I don't know where I was going with this. Well, I do feel lonelier compared to last year, but I don't exactly know why. Maybe because my girlfriend and I broke up on February? But we were not too close to begin with. I think I know why, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure if my pride is hurting anyone else, mainly my older sister and my mother, and that's a little scary. I didn't think my pride would end up burdening someone else. It doesn't make sense to me, but that's what I got out of it. I grew up being taught that things should be handled alone, and for the past year, I've wanted to explore and maybe open up, but time and time again, I think my experience has proven that maybe my uncle was right. That doing things alone is usually better. But it feels a little lonely. And me doing things alone is now hurting my older sister and I don't even know why. It's difficult. A lot of friends tell me to just not try to live by someone else's expectations, but it's not that easy. Other people can't understand the burdens of another person, and it's even worse for prideful people like me because we refuse to share it. I'm sure I'm not sharing it because I don't want to bother other people and that I don't want them to get involved, but my good intentions ended up hurting my older sister. I thought I was doing the right thing. It is my life, right? But that's a selfish thing to say, since we have to share our time together. I don't know what I don't understand, and that's a little scary. Especially now. Not to mention I tried bargaining with God, and let me tell you, it's not exactly a good sign when you're relying on divine intervention. This isn't the first time it happened either. 4 times in the past year I made this mistake. I don't even know if it's a mistake. I still don't see how what I'm doing can hurt another person. My entire family was raised on the idea that you have to do things yourself, so why now? Why is she getting hurt now? All of us, everyone in our family, is doing the same thing. Is it wrong for me to shoulder everything myself? I'm not hurting anyone and I can handle it. I don't understand. Does she not believe in me? Does she not have confidence in me? If I can shoulder everything, then why shouldn't I? If I don't, then what is the point of me existing? What was the point of me being raised the way I was and what was the point of me going through the same hellish ordeal twice every year? Is she selfish or am I selfish? She doesn't want to let go of my leash anymore, and I can't blame her. She's been with me since the day I was born and she knows the things I've done and the things I'm willing to do more than anyone, but even after showing her that I'm capable, she still doesn't trust me. I don't know how else I can prove myself. I've done more than what most people will ever do. Maybe that's it? Maybe I've done too much and now she thinks ill of me? I know she's not acting, but it's hard to believe that she's the same person. She's such a delicate flower right now but she's a tiger in any other situation. I've apologized, but I don't plan on letting her tug at the leash. I can't live by her morals, but I don't like seeing her like this. It makes me feel like I failed even when I'm making this step to try and succeed. I know I'm young, but so is she. We're only three years apart. Compared to me, she's done a lot more, yet I don't tug at her leash. Up until now, I've given her my entire faith. I believe in everything she did and I feel a little disappointed because that same trust isn't being put onto me. We hide things from each other, of course, but we always trust that the other is doing the right thing. So why isn't she trusting me now? I miss her a lot. I want to call her right now, but I know she won't pick up. She won't talk to me unless she calls me first. It isn't fair. I think the worst part about it is that she's blaming herself for all this. That flusters me more than anything else, when people start blaming themselves for things that aren't there fault. They force themselves into my head and it sucks. It really sucks. But oddly, even after indulging myself in these negative thoughts while I was in the range, I think everything is going to work itself out. I don't know how long it will take, a day, a week, a month. 2 months. Not three months because I'll be making my to Hong Kong for my three week break. But I want to fix things before I leave for HK. I still have to tell my family I purchased a ticket to go to HK over Thanksgiving. My older sister is definitely going to be pissed. I don't want to make her sad or angry and I really felt like jumping off a bridge when I heard her crying in her room. Seriously. But at the same time, I don't want to live by anyone else's morals. But I love her a lot. I'm sure she loves me a lot too and she's just hurt because of something I did but I really have no idea why she would be hurt by what I'm doing. It doesn't affect her and I'm confident I can handle the things on my plate. I just have to prove it, I guess. But if I prove it, will she try to tighten the leash again? I really felt like I already proved myself, because honestly, if I haven't yet, she's actually demanding that I declare war haha! How do I prove myself as a worthy man? I shoulder things pretty well and I don't complain about it. I'll be what my family needs me to be. I'll do what I need to do to make sure things are alright and if they aren't, I'll solve it before it gets worse. I don't know why she doesn't trust me, and I know that I say that a lot. It doesn't make me feel angry that she doesn't, I just feel lonely and I feel like I failed. She feels like she failed as well but on what? This was my own doing, why does she blame herself? I kind of wish people had a sign that just said what they wanted so I can grant it. She deserves the world more than anyone. She's been through far more than I have and she's usually so badass and cutthroat. Where's that cool and collected older sibling that I looked up to? The one that remains calm and cool even when I was panicking, where did she go? Maybe I should take her back to HK with me. We both change once we get there, that much we both know. Does she not like HK me? Does she not like it when I talk to our extended family? Even if I ask, I'm sure she won't answer. That was actually really therapeutic! I might keep my MO active just to do this when I feel like I need to. Should I even post this? All of this has been adlibbed and I just typed whatever came into my head. It's actually a little difficult to stop typing what I think and to just think without typing. Actually, these thoughts have looped in my head for the past few days so maybe it wasn't adlibbed? Well, I might as well! I started off with firearms, so the ending will have something to do with that I guess. Give me a second to prepare the picture. Here is the target after 16 shots (15 in the mag and 1 in the chamber). http://i.imgur.com/y8RUXlA.jpg Another feeling that feels really good, except chambering a bullet, is dismantling the gun and cleaning her out and putting her back into her case and locking it. Well anyways, since I'm kind of just typing whatever I think, and two the two people who pmed me while I was typing this and to the ones who want to pm me today, I probably won't answer. So unless you guys want me to just type random things that come to my head (you guys don't want to, by the way), wait for my response! I'll get back to you eventually. I'll be on the forums. Stay sharp out there, and stay vigilant! I recommend that anyone with lingering feelings also try this out, it feels really good! Either that or you can follow me to the firing range. I can teach you the basics! I might even let you use my dear Schokolade. Maybe. Probably not, I'm a monogamist after all!