not sure what to....

ok, so I'm just going to be completely honest with myself here, this is more so to be straight with myself, any advices and the like are still welcomed. So, ever since I was little, I had always imagined that when I would get older I would find someone that I just couldn't stand to be away from, someone that would accept me for who I am and would jump through hoops and set themselves on fire just to make me happy (though I would never want them to really go that far xD) and to just be by my side through all the bitterness that the world throws at me. Ive never had a good, let alone a decent relationship in the past. I was usually either pretending to be something I'm not just to fit in and be liked, or I would be left because they just couldn't stand the real me. I'm still a bit upset with my last relationship, but I try not to let that get in the way with my daily routines......which is....well.....nothing........ I can't really blame people for not wanting to date me really, I mean I am beyond what some people would call the normal 'unusual type'. I'm not an Otaku, but my main interest does fall around Japan and Anime, though I enjoy more normal things like.......give me a second.....*10 minutes of brainstorming*......General Hospital...that was a good show.. uuuggghhh, I can't say Homestuck or UTAU because they are not necessarily normal -_-; (which I enjoy very much). Beyond that I enjoy intellectual things like Science, History, Culture. On top of that I'm a Transgender/Transexual guy stuck in a girl's body, so of course that plays a major role with whether they are interested or they are just "f*** that". Plus I have a hard time understanding peoples emotions since (according to my family) I tend to lack the normal amount of emotions a human has, so when someone may be upset (sad or mad), I may just not understand and think it's stupid to be upset about it, when it may be perfectly fine. This is also vice versa with others understanding my emotions and how I transmit them (which many family and what little friends I have, still cannot seem to understand any tiny bit of it or see any flags I try to give). So I can openly admit I have a lot of flaws that keep people from being interested in me, but I still have my good qualities. Though my sibling and most people I have met would like to say I am weird/freak/beyond normal comprehension, I like to say I am unique. I am also very caring and would always do anything to help my friends and make them happy, I also tend to spend all my money on my friends (especially when they come back from college on a break) trying to make the most of our time (though I suppose it's more of a sad excuse to hang out with them, since they never initiate a 'hang out' invitation...) I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm tired of being alone, but to be honest, I can't see myself in a relationship anymore, no matter how hard I try. Yea I have a lot of people say "oh your still young, you'll find someone someday", but really, that's not the case. I am trying to learn to cope with this, but it's not easy accepting that you may stay alone for the rest of your life, yea I may have friends, but it's really all the same, they come and go as time goes by, and then I'm alone again. I mean can anyone really say they had a friend for more than 10 years, let alone 20? They may have had a friend for 5 or so years, but they leave eventually. I don't mean to sound all depressing, and I'm not looking for attention/attention seeker. I'm just putting out how I feel now about dating and relationships overall. You can all state your opinions, but don't misunderstand, I am under no circumstances am looking for attention/pity, I am just stating how I feel about this and just wish it was different.

Hmm, I see it's okay :3 I really do respect you for opening yourself up, you seem like a really good person, and I know you are by what you have said. :D yeah that how it was with me with relationships, I could never be who I am truly, I had alternate myself for them, which I didn't like, I sometimes do that with friends to fit in, heh because I can reallyyyyy be awkward and sometimes express myself in a mean way (which I really don't mean to, I'm really nice) and DUH YOU ARE UNIQUE :3 saying they call you a freak or weird, shows you are different from others, because to be honest no one really knows what normal is truly, it's everyone's own interpretation/opinion. Also you seem cool. staying alone for the rest of your life, I don't believe that will happen to you. As long you become open up and get out there, at your pace where you feel comfortable, you're bound not to be alone. just stay positive and have a clear mind. :)

I would probably switch bodies with you if I could, I would rather be a girl. That is to say that Im not totally uncomfortable being a guy to where I need to get surgery or dress like a girl all the time. But I would feel more comfortable as a girl and it would fit my personality better.

Hmm wonder what it would be like to be a girl o_O

Thanks Nepirimu xD and to answer your question Jean, from what I have seen with my sisters, you need to worry about your looks every 10 mins, sit in the bathroom for an hour or two just to be sure you look good, and sometimes have to show more with your out fits then usual just to be noticed xD oh! you would be spending A LOT of money on clothes and shoes xD `, of course let's not forget the 'monthly' lol As much as some people may think or have opinion on, Girls have a lot more work cut out for them then guys overall on average.

Haha I think the range of "girly" activities differs from person to person regardless of gender. Although the monthly thing is true and a serious pain. I know a good number of guys who are much more into getting ready and personal appearances than I am

But as a cis-gender heterosexual woman, I can't really have a 100% idea of what it's like for you but I also respect that you're opening up about the problems you're facing. I think it's ok that you don't get as emotional over things as other people might but I think it's important to try to be supportive. And don't worry about your interests. People all have diverse interests in a range of things. A significant other doesn't have to share your exact interests to the exact same level as you. People who like you will most likely like that you're interested and excited about something that they're not. I may not understand your love for general hospital but I understand that enthusiasm for a favorite tv show and you can build common ground off that. So I don't think it's really a flaw that you like a lot of different things. Anyways, haha. I think you'll be fine. It might be harder being trans but it's not impossible. Just do what feels right for you! And sorry about the poor formatting. Phones are terrible for long texts :p

Oh, oh! My broseph, D, has been my friend since we were in elementary school some twenty or so years ago. And remember way back being that young and not having our heads filled to the brim with finding the perfect someone. You expected it'd happen when you grew up, but you weren't spending sleepless nights trying the figure out why or how you can find a mate. We were just kids doing whatever we thought made us happy.