willworkforisekai

https://youtu.be/ZAfAud_M_mg?si=bzFKVpdzvVEjXrgd Proactively anayzling and cross referencing the love and hurt in this song to better interpret the type of love I'm receiving and the hurt I could potential cause as to not take for granted the position I'm in and the responsibility that comes with it.

I love altered state learning. Just had the best meditation breakthrough ever after taking 4 puffs from my delta 8 pen and laying down to ruminate. Just sharing 3 understandings I had. 1. The trinity is a really devoted father. God decided to make children despite knowing how much of a handful they would be. And, took on the burden to care for all of them even though a lot of us don't care back. That's some serious commitment and dedication. Cosmic fatherhood prolly hit diffy. 2. I found it more weight off my shoulder by giving God the Glory & Worship for things the Ego wants to take credit for. Me personally I hate seeing my Ego get inflated with self worship considering my narcissist background. I feel giving God the Glory & Worship helps me consciously avert self prophesying, enacting, and re enacting the worship of myself. I am subconsciously plagued to indeterminately estimate, de estimate, and over analyze my character, abilities, and possible impact on this world due to having a power fooled disposition stemming from a selfish desire to chase the smarts that changes the world for the better. But, I noticed something concerning from this power fooled disposition. That I often think my will is greater than Gods will. I'm understanding the weight of my sin and foolishness. I'm to focused on trying to influence Gods will than doing it. The power fooled thoughts just keep emerging impulsively imploring the righteous will of God for a better ending. But Gods will is above all. I'm suppose to be trying to discern what is Gods will and follow it. Instead I'm thinking like God would follow my will. I'm glad I realized the sin & insanity of such thoughts. Narcissism the epitome of foolishness and sin believing we can be our own Gods. I'm so thankful for this breakthrough Lord Jesus. I'm often possessed by a unquenchable desire to influence others & Gods will. I found just reminding myself the nature of will very helpful. It is there will not mine. That simple reminder has been successful at thwarting a unhinged desire to influence. 3. I found out how to love myself as a narcissist which I put off because of my high standards for myself. I feel as though I don't deserve love unless I have brought order to the chaos of my mind. But, my hand was forced due to the voices constant gouging at my insecurities. I ended up just accepting the insecurities then letting them go. Normally it hurts when my insecurities are stirred. Because I hate accepting that I'm this way. A narc. Which forces me to try and hide them until I overcome them all. But, here I am loving myself even though my goal has not been achieved yet. Still some residual chaos remaining. But, I did the act they say we can't do. Which is love our self. I'm learning how to love others as well working on that one with my girlfriend. But, I'm just not opposing or at conflict with the negative thoughts anymore. Because the voices can think whatever they want about me. I don't have to oppose or be at conflict with there discussions about me. I can just accept that they saying things about me and let it go. Sometimes they say something useful when they not gouging my insecurities. But, that's besides the point. The point is I'm finding it much easier to smile whilst being ok in my skin. Being ok with my negative thoughts. I still have negative thoughts but positive reactions. I don't attach to them and begin beating myself anymore. They just come and go. Though the grind won't stop to order the chaos of my mind I just now have the ability to have some peace. I'm now consciously getting good at choosing to let go of things without letting them linger for to long. I'm finding I've also become successful at letting go of power as well by understanding when I power fool myself. Been more than 8 hrs and everything is still sticking. Gotta love altered state learning.