welcome back to jo's rants

hello i am reviving this thread today because i'm coming back to MO for a bit. just wanted to say, i have succeeded in becoming a better person since last time i spoke (with myself) and i've also reconciled with my old friends, somewhat. and even if i haven't, i care about it a lot less. i'm starting to learn how to live on my own, work on myself and be more productive! i enjoy taking care of myself a lot more and i have less self-pity. my emotions are not as numb as they used to be, i try to nurture myself as well as i can, not surpress emotions and stuff. i'm finna asexual now so i'm not interested in dating, or at least i'm numb to love and i don't know if i care or not. anyhow, gonna go fix my bike and take a shower

Hello. Interesting public diary you have. It reminds me of a time I went through similar events. I do think it is important to write down your thoughts. Outlets are good. And I can see you're very perceptive. I also can see you as a possibility for a ticking time bomb. If you feel you are going down depths of depression or insanity, I would suggest the possibility of therapy. Perhaps Cognitive Process Therapy? In short, it's kind of a way to train your mind to perceive the events in different lights rather than negative ones. That's what I went through and I can vouch it helps for people that like to live inside their own heads. ^^ I wish you the best of luck on your journey!

thanks! i had an insane mental breakdown sunday, i'm not sure of what it is, but i will be wary of it. if it happens more often, i will seek therapy. i was camping with a group and i suddenly felt super angry and sensitive to everything, so i just left and once i was far away i felt the need to cry. i then came back after crying and i asked them to stop discussing and asked if we could play the board game we were going to play initially. they said "but there's nothing wrong, we're just having a civil discussion". i asked them once again if they wanted to play the board game, and stop discussing and that i just really didn't like it. one guy said: guys, i think he might be having a panic attack soon (i was kind of shaky with my words and i was trying to surpress a lot of anger that came from nowhere). then i just broke down. i remember it very vividly, i had control over my own body but felt the need to breathe very heavily and fast, contract my muscles while i didn't really want to or anything. i jumped twice and then curled up into a ball (feet and knees on the floor, leaning on my elbows with my hands in front of my face) and just cried. nobody came towards me to say: "hey, are you okay?" but instead it felt like they were watching for an eternity. after a while someone came to me and asked: "hey are you okay?" and all i could think of was: "I'm weak". they instantly all said something among the lines of "you're not weak!" i honestly don't know what was wrong with me. i never have these crazy intense mental breakdowns, and especially not when i feel like everything is okay (well things were okay but there were a couple things bugging me). writing things down helps a lot for me and it's a form of self-therapy. i had a notepad before i had to reset my pc after overclocking my RAM which failed, i think it was about 38000~ characters last time i checked. i think it was about 40-41k characters. (diary)

It sounds like you've developed a little social anxiety. I used to have this growing up. My throat would get tight and chokes up like I was about to cry (sometimes I did). Either my parents didn't want to understand or maybe just didn't think it was a big deal. So talking with anyone about these things was non-existent. This only stunted my social growth, as it became a habit for me to live inside my head other than socially interact. I became the wall flower at parties and oftentimes left feeling empty. I think a lot of people here on MO suffer from the same thing to some extent. I think oftentimes people will friend request someone, oftentimes longing for a friendly conversation or something more, but can't bring themselves to say hi due to the fear of uncertainty of how they'll be left feeling (guilty as well). But it's important to take those steps. I think we owe it to our younger selves to get stronger! ^^

Alright! well, I was planning on running today, but it looks like we're having dinner pretty late, so I'll have to see if I can make it before Overwatch scrims at 10. I sure hope so. My mother and 2 (older) sisters went to another province to see our grandma and work in the garden, although I doubt my sisters did much. They are very lazy, and my oldest sister has depression. They never want to do anything in the garden. My mother works pretty hard in the garden, and my dad does even more than my dad. If we go to gran's, I work in the garden one day, and then the other day I don't for some reason. I don't have the resolve or willpower to do another day. I personally think it's a lot of work just for a couple crops to grow. I mean, yeah, the food we eat is delicious because of all the veggies and stuff we get out of it, and we definitely can't ignore that fact, but I'm just personally not so much of a gardener. I enjoy cooking but apparently gardening not so much. Wait, maybe I've never really looked at what it did for me, and I've just seen it as work up until this point because my parents told me to go help them. Maybe that's it! Writing stuff down makes you think about what you're saying, that goes for me especially. I am really bad at looking at things from a 3rd person perspective.

I wish i could concentrate better on my Japanese course. I just. need. to. do. more. I need some motivation to do it because I know I'm good at languages and I want to prove to myself and others that I can do it. Being able to fluently speak and write and read japanese would be a lot of fun as I would just be able to explore new things, which is good because you make a lot of memories doing new things. I just want to be cool and speak japanese that's all but fuck me and my motivation. It's not like it's not enjoyable either. it's just im lazy. i wish i had some japanese friends so i'd be less lazy about it

Yesterday I had another friggin' anxiety/panic/whatever attack/mental breakdown/whatever other term I can think of to make it sound like I want people to pity me, even though I don't think it is an anxiety attack. I don't know what else it could be, but it doesn't feel too bad or anything. It wasn't as bad as the first one, the first one was like, bad bad but this one was less bad. I think it was about something more minor, maybe that's why it wasn't as bad. I just don't know if it's anxiety or not. I literally need someone to diagnose me lmao. I don't know what it is, but I don't particularly care that much about it. I just feel normal, so I don't know whether it's actually like a thing or if it's me letting go of my self-control for a bit. It's just really weird, honestly. The panic/anxiety/whatever attack was about something sexual. Mainly concerning.. well, my D. I guess I am pretty anxious about it, because now that I'm writing this down, I can feel my heart beat quicken and I also feel scared about you guys who read this, who are going to have opinions about it. I guess I'm pretty insecure about it. About self-control, I think I'm doing pretty alright overall. I'm trying to be even more disciplined in what I do, mainly eating habits. I'm pretty conscious about them because I'd like to stay in good shape. Looking at my eldest sister, it looks like her weight is causing problems for her and I just don't want to "end up" like that. It just seems troublesome, and it's probably easier staying in shape than getting back into shape. I know I probably sound a bit too conscious about it but it's just something I'm pretty happy about. I do the occasional "well now i just feel like eating 2 stroopwafels out of nowhere" or "I want to have a couple of these cookies, so ima have 5 of them, even though it's not tea (like actual tea not dinner for you scots out there) time or coffee time (we as a family usually drink tea and coffee together, and have cookies with it. I know this sounds super innocent or whatever but it is a thing and it's honestly something that could be perfected. ugh that sounded hella elitist, whatevs. Other than that, I still have procrastination issues when it comes to doing stuff before doing something on my pc. I'll tell myself/others: "Okay, well I'll go do that right now" and then 40 minutes later I'm still sitting here behind my computer playing osu/browsing MO. That is really something I'd like to better. I also want to be a nicer person. I've been re-inspired by a certain someone. I also need to adjust my sleeping habits again, and be more disciplined about it. Talking a lot (especially with this person) is a lot of fun, but I need to consider myself first, however much I enjoy talking with this person, appreciate this person, or whatever else it is. I'm willing to give up some of my sleeping schedule but not literally heckin' all of it :P I say re-inspired because it's all I used to care about. Becoming a good person. When I stopped caring that much, I thought to myself: I need to rationalize. But rational thoughts/things have nothing to do with this. When I thought I had to rationalize, I was basically telling myself to take the easy way out. Being rational about things like other people's looks, interests, personalities is really something dumb to be honest. I mean, ofcourse, if someone is being a dick I'll still tell them about it. If there's something I don't particularly like, I'll try to drop semi-subtle hints, but there's no need to be angry at people for what their interests, looks (mainly concerning weight), and personalities (if they are nerds, so be it! they are still people and they still need to be appreciated! they can't help the fact that they are nerds.) Honestly, being rational about certain things is good. But learning to appreciate everything and being conscious of the people around you is just such a nice thing to be able to do, + I'll be able to romanticize more things. It just all sounds like something interesting to me that will not only benefit me but also others. I'm about to go pack the rest of my bags. Let's hope I don't procrastinate too much. it's me letting go of my self-control for a bit. It's just really weird, honestly. The panic/anxiety/whatever attack was about something sexual. Mainly concerning.. well, my D. I guess I am pretty anxious about it, because now that I'm writing this down, I can feel my heart beat quicken and I also feel scared about you guys who read this, who are going to have opinions about it. I guess I'm pretty insecure about it. About self-control, I think I'm doing pretty alright overall. I'm trying to be even more disciplined in what I do, mainly eating habits. I'm pretty conscious about them because I'd like to stay in good shape. Looking at my eldest sister, it looks like her weight is causing problems for her and I just don't want to "end up" like that. It just seems troublesome, and it's probably easier staying in shape than getting back into shape. I know I probably sound a bit too conscious about it but it's just something I'm pretty happy about. I do the occasional "well now i just feel like eating 2 stroopwafels out of nowhere" or "I want to have a couple of these cookies, so ima have 5 of them, even though it's not tea (like actual tea not dinner for you scots out there) time or coffee time (we as a family usually drink tea and coffee together, and have cookies with it. I know this sounds super innocent or whatever but it is a thing and it's honestly something that could be perfected. ugh that sounded hella elitist, whatevs. Other than that, I still have procrastination issues when it comes to doing stuff before doing something on my pc. I'll tell myself/others: "Okay, well I'll go do that right now" and then 40 minutes later I'm still sitting here behind my computer playing osu/browsing MO. That is really something I'd like to better. I also want to be a nicer person. I've been re-inspired by a certain someone. I also need to adjust my sleeping habits again, and be more disciplined about it. Talking a lot (especially with this person) is a lot of fun, but I need to consider myself first, however much I enjoy talking with this person, appreciate this person, or whatever else it is. I'm willing to give up some of my sleeping schedule but not literally heckin' all of it :P I say re-inspired because it's all I used to care about. Becoming a good person. When I stopped caring that much, I thought to myself: I need to rationalize. But rational thoughts/things have nothing to do with this. When I thought I had to rationalize, I was basically telling myself to take the easy way out. Being rational about things like other people's looks, interests, personalities is really something dumb to be honest. I mean, ofcourse, if someone is being a dick I'll still tell them about it. If there's something I don't particularly like, I'll try to drop semi-subtle hints, but there's no need to be angry at people for what their interests, looks (mainly concerning weight), and personalities (if they are nerds, so be it! they are still people and they still need to be appreciated! they can't help the fact that they are nerds.) Honestly, being rational about certain things is good. But learning to appreciate everything and being conscious of the people around you is just such a nice thing to be able to do, + I'll be able to romanticize more things. It just all sounds like something interesting to me that will not only benefit me but also others. I'm about to go pack the rest of my bags. Let's hope I don't procrastinate too much.