Rennik Sadorn

Ever since o' father mine 'persuaded' me back into online dating, my bodily urges have returned to their default state. It's frustrating because, ever since the tailend of January of this year, I had -more- control over my body than I ever had before, and even managed a few months of working from home (9-5/5) before that started dealing damage to my mental/physical health. Until I started again due to my father also being frustrated at the circumstances. Now I've been forced back on here, with what I expect to be but vain hopes and futile dreams. Especially since this isn't so much a site for dating, as a place to let one's self weeb-out... But yeah. That's the current state I'm contending with.

A glimpse. Good luck trying to guess where and when.

A user by the name 'MRCest67' - likely a fake, due to them wanting me to email them money 'for the less-privileged' in a longwinded message that sounded scam-flavoured. Just putting this out there as a 'watch out for this one' kind of alert.

In better news, ever since today, I've got my 2nd vaccine. So there's that.

Thought I should say that, often, in the afternoon (in the UK timezones around 7 PM or later depending on the day), I do go on VRChat - usually when I feel lacking in direction or want to take an e-walk just for a change of scenery. I go by Koldraxon on VRChat like I do on Steam, Discord, and so on - if you want to know more, feel free to PM me on the topic.

Benefits of online dating: -A chance to meet someone you'd normally not ever meet. Drawbacks of online dating: -Exposure to all the wrong of the world. -Self-doubt. -Despair. -Depression. -Hormonally-induced madness. -Unhealthy hoping habit. -'Cattle-logic'-ification of the human species. -Remembering why you got a Dakimakura (if applicable). -Being compared to unrealistic standards set by people who probably cannot meet their own standards either. -Addiction to all of the above. -Probably putting too much about one's-self online. -Pandemic discourages interaction. -Wastes hundreds of hours. -Can include bots that may steal your E-wallet. Accurate? I suppose.

Occasionally, I wonder... Wait, it's 11:40 PM.

It's the 2nd of August, 10:50 PM, 2021. I'm feeling the ol' hormonally-driven sexual frustrates again. I hate that feeling. "Why?", asks nobody, because nobody asked. I hate it in the same way you would hate being 'non-consensually horny'. It is a thing, getting aroused when you don't want to be, or not being aroused when you want to be, or having to fight your own body shouting in it's own nonverbal language 'FIND A [expletive] MATE ALREADY BAKA!'. Hence why I call it 'hormonally-driven sexual frustrates' - it's not something I actively think about. My body has these wonderful inconveniences where it just so happens to decide all on its own that it needs a female and won't stop until one is found, and will do everything it can to leverage anything in that orientation. Which is annoying because this is during a pandemic and the opposite sex in my local area are visibly not at all interested in anything of the sorts. What worsens that is my stubbornness regarding dating apps/sites because of my many attempts with those yielding one-timers who want free drink and idle conversation with a stranger possibly due to my inability to /social (which also is neglected, thanks pandemic), bots giving links to suspicious sites and repeating pretty much the same 'I'm horny! Yay' phrase until you give them money and then they may go 'sike!', and then people who shouldn't be running from a relationship they put together themselves consensually but are for whatever reason. I will be blunt. Sites like PoF, Tinder, Bumble and so on have all been tried and have gone nowhere. Maybe I put too much info out there. Or put too little of a certain kind. Or am too much 'this' and not enough 'that'. Or an intelligent male is not what today's society wants and they'd rather an orc or something big broad with rippling musculature (which I do not have as I indoors and consume manga/anime/games/digital stuff as my preferred day-by-day course of action). Maybe I'm just ventilating again. I yearn for a world where women can get up and start doing the things men stereotypically do to men who stereotypically did them and encourage some more assertive/aggressive/wholesome bonding because seriously? Something is missing in the worldview I possess and it may be causing this whole rambling heap of nonsense. It is also the same something I cannot purchase and if I was given the option to do so I would, on the condition that it was a mutual exchange devoid of currency or material goods and wasn't sourced from slavery-oriented means. I don't know if anyone else gets these kinds of problems at the level I have them at or has them worse, but I hope this gives you an insight of some kind.

It be August now. Why is it August all of a sudden?!

July nears its end, and the weather has turned towards the sorts that compels me to remain indoors. Said compulsion is multiplied by the fact that there is a pandemic still. I should advise to anyone reading whatever I'm posting, that my posts may not always be formatted in a way that would be coherent, due to venting or rambling about something that needed to be said (not that there's practically nobody reading any of it anyway, but eh, whatever). To report my current mood, I feel 'undriven and shackled'. Undriven; lacking the energy/will to do things, don't get why I feel such a thing as I want to do things and usually I do get the energy to do so. Might be the weather. Shackled; bound not only by my working hours on weekdays, but also being yanked on a proverbial leash by my sexual drive and hormones and a bunch of other things - to which there is no real solution and the mere fact that the latter is still happening despite what I experienced since the tailend of last year is quite frankly a genuine frustration. To top off my rambling, I will now ventilate some frustration related to attraction: Thanks to the pandemic and practically everyone having anxieties over being near other people (myself included; if someone's on the same side of the road I end up walking -on- the road after checking both directions just to sustain the distancing rule at play because the other person either doesn't change course or scowls at me for not doing so anyway) it's pretty much impossible to hope for any form of physical compassion or companionship from the outside world. This, for those who even thought of it, may drive them to resort to people already within their circle of known persons - or their own household if the known persons do not include any 'potential partners' - as (at least) a verbal outlet for their own frustrations and bottled-up energy/feelings/emotions. And that's the least of the problems that can spawn from this. For me, though, it leaves me practically on my own to fight bodily impulses and to, again, kill any feelings of attraction to anyone, as letting those hopeful, volatile things manifest would only make my life a misery based on experience - especially. And the only 'help' I believe I can get for this would be some medicines that neuter sexual urges (which will only compound the issue) or some sort of therapy that'll likely leave me living in more anxiety than I'm already somehow used to. Not only all of that, but long-distance relationships for me are an absolute no-go because pandemic and of personal issues with travelling (which are amplified by the fact that I am working so I really haven't the time to do so). That's a reason why I have reluctantly divulged too much information as to my actual whereabouts, which so far has been entirely useless. Ok, that's the frustration practically vented, now I have something like a headache to contend with probably spawned by the restarted conflict that's gone on between my body's wants for a female partner and my own mindset on the whole thing being absolutely impossible.